I Have

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Have you ever loved someone so much that the pure thought of loosing them makes it feel like someone has reached into your chest, pulled your heart from everything its attached too, and dropped it to the bottom of your stomach? To love someone so much that even when your right next to them holding them as close to you as you can, that you still miss them, like you still need to be closer but it isn’t possible to be. To want to go to bed every single night with them by your side, holding you and loving you with every fibre of their being; keeping you safe from the outside world and from everything you fear. To be able to role over in the middle of the night and know that they’re there right by your side, and to wake up in the morning, every morning, to their smile. The kind of smile that no matter how much you see it, it will still lighten your day every time; a smile of pure love and joy, with eyes that glisten to match, and that will look straight into your heart and soul as to say, ‘you’re the one, the only one’. Someone who is your biggest fan, even when you doubt yourself, who will never think of you any less than the best thing on earth, who stands by your side every step of the way- no matter how hard things may get at times. Someone who’s your best friend, who you want to spend your life with, and grow old with, and who every day you love even more than the last- though you never felt it possible.

 

I have.

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Human existance

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Have you ever found yourself wondering why everything is called what it is? That mankind is called mankind because Adam was the first human on earth. That biology is called biology because it comes from the Greek word ‘bio’ meaning life- and is the study of living organisms.

So why is it called the human race? Maybe its because every person; black, white, big, small- is a part of the human species- a race of human beings- a minority. But maybe the human race is called the human race because we never stop racing to get to where we want to go.

We race to get older so that we can succeed, we race to get money so that we can buy everything we want, we race to find happiness. But by the time we find all this- its to late to enjoy what we have, or what we have become.

Have you ever stopped and looked around and really thought, ‘What am I rushing for’? To catch the last train? To have a child? To find love? When really all your doing is racing away your time, racing away all the moments in life that are what life really is about. Racing to the end- when the finish line is ultimately death.

If your lucky, most will grow up in the same stages; be born, grow, go to school, hit puberty, get a job, move out, find love, get married, have a child, have a career, retire and die in peace. But what happens in between all these stages- do you even remember? What happened was, all the moments and memories (that some would die for) slipped away even as they were created because all you where thinking was ‘what is the next step in the race’?

Think about education. It opens doors for you, gets you a successful job, and gives you knowledge. But when your sitting in a class room or in a lecture hall, have u ever thought about how this knowledge is surging through your brain, lighting up cells like colour explosions in your mind, or like electronic waves surfing through your head filling you with the knowledge that helps you grow and develop. People know that education is important, that it helps with the ‘next step’, but when this data enters your brain, no one thinks of the journey the words take to enrich your mind with the facts that shapes the very person you will become.

Now take love. If you’re lucky enough to find love, you follow a path to the day you get to spend the rest for your lives together. Find each other, get engaged, get married, buy a house, have children, retire and grow old. You spend your days wishing you could already be at the next stop in this path, that you may never take in memories you make along the way. You don’t appreciate the times you spend sitting around laughing together at ridiculous things, or just looking into each others eyes thinking that there is no better place to be, than in that moment. But you never know when that ‘time’ you spend together will be taken away from you. Your racing through the path you follow with love, but what if before you get to the end of the path, something happens and stops you on the way. What memories will you remember at the end?

We get told that we will be happy once we get all these things; all the success, all the money, the fame- but once we have it, are we really happy that we’ve wasted away our existence to get it, wasted it away so once we have it there is no time left to enjoy it. We walk, we jog, we run, racing towards the end of our lives, never stopping to take in the moments we ultimately leave behind in the end… maybe that’s why we call it the human race.

Left behind

Every person who enters your life, will ether leave a little piece of themselves in you, or will take a little piece of you with them when they leave.

In every relationship, you will have different feelings for each person- some you will love more than others, someone maybe the only person you could ever love: And when that person leaves and walks right out of your life, the love doesn’t go. You can be hurt by them leaving, you could be hurt by what they did to break you down or to ruin the relationship- but that love doesn’t disappear, it can be hidden under layers of anger and hatred, but its still there- aching in your heart until the day it stops beating.

You will always have feelings left behind after a relationship, feelings that could hold you back, stop you from finding the person you really should end up with- feelings that confuse and control you in everything you do after they leave. But those emotions; all the love, all the happiness, the sadness, the anger- everything that gets left behind when someone walks out of your life; its not there to control your future relationships, or even destroy them in the making. They’re there to learn from, they’re there so that the same mistakes don’t get made time and time again. So that you can find the person who actually will make you happy, not someone your convincing yourself you still want to be with because you once felt love for them. Your love for someone should be so indescribable and so irreplaceable that no one can take their place, and if someone can, maybe its just not meant to be (at least not right now).

Just remember, if you learn from them, then every heartbreak is just one step closer to happily ever after.

Im fine.

Im fine. two words that can have so many meanings to so many people.

I’m fine doesn’t always mean your actually fine. I’m fine can mean your angry at someone for what they’ve done but don’t want to show it, or want them to find what they’ve done wrong without having to explain it to them. It can mean your hurt and when you say your fine it means you will be fine but it will take time, or I’m fine can be a cry for help- help that your too scared to come right out and ask for but need more than anything in that moment.

Sometimes saying your fine is the only option you can find. you feel like if you say anything more you might get hurt or get let down or judged. Sometimes you just need someone else to get that when you say your fine, your really not. This is hard but if someone really knows you hope they will know that you need help or that somethings not right or that you need time. But you should never be afraid to say what your actually thinking- tell that boy/girl that you love them instead of sitting by and watching them love someone else, tell the person that hurt you that your angry and that they need to make things right or leave, ask for the help you need- you won’t be judged because your braver to come out and ask for the help than to go through it by yourself.

Sometimes when someone says their fine, they really are just fine. Not happy- not sad, just fine. But everyone deserves to be happy and that only happens when you speak up and have someone there to help you through it.

The pains of love

These days’ people say that love only causes pain. That you have to be a cold hearted, single, detached person to be truly happy. But this isn’t true.

Being in love doesn’t cause pain. Being in love is the single best feeling in the world, a feeling that no other can compare to and that is completely indescribable.

People who fall in love with someone, sometimes, unfortunately get hurt. But this isn’t because you’ve experienced love, its because you, or the person you love isn’t ready to feel the same way or isn’t ready to give you all you need and deserve. They may leave, they may cheat, make you lose trust- make you lose yourself. You may have to hear those soul crushing words ‘I don’t love you anymore’, ‘I never loved you to begin with’, or ‘I’m leaving’. But none of this pain is caused by opening your heart to love, its because it wasn’t the right time, or the right person, or because they’ve already given up on love. But when you find that person- that one person who you love and who loves you more than life itself- the person who makes you smile ear to ear, and laugh like it’s the first time again. The person who’s heart completely fits with yours, whose pure presence makes your heart skip a beat and your stomach get butterflies. The person you can’t bare to lose, let alone live a second without- don’t let them go, don’t hurt them and don’t give up on them. No matter what happened in the past- whose hurt you in the name of love- don’t give up on love because someone else has, and hurt you because of it.

Dance with death

He looked deep into my eyes, reached out his hand and held mine in his. Slowing pulling me onto the dance floor. The music filled the air circling the room. Twisting and turning as I was lead across the floor. The touch of his skin caressing my bare arms, drawing symbols with his hands on the arch of my back. Leaning in and pressing his lips against my ear humming the beautiful sound that we moved as one with, sending chills down my spin as I got lost in his voice.

My heart skipped a beat as the butterflies arose in my stomach, flattering around as the back of his hand slowly ran its way down the side of my neck… his hand opened, grasping around my neck, pushing me against the wall, smashing my heart as he did so. The cold icy tips of his fingers scrapping up my arms and down my back drawing blood that flowed out of me like the running water of the cool Niagara Falls. The butterflies in my stomach dropped dead in a pit of darkness that now swirled inside me. His skin snow white, his eyes blackened and hollowed by the despair and sorrow he inflicts on others, and his lips pale blue and frozen lip those on a corpse. He leaned in closer, hand holding my neck tighter, heart rate going slower…breathing becoming harder…one last kiss of his icy lips on mine- and then…darkness.

Aftermath

Everything seems fine. Everything seems still and calm. Your happy.

But then a breeze starts, nothing big, just a gentle wind moving through the air. Circling your body, softly touching your face and your chest.

Soon the breeze picks up. Its become’s faster and stronger. Its starting to move trees and create waves in the ocean. As the wind gets stronger the waves get bigger. Bigger and bigger until there crashing on rocks, spraying salt water onto the land.

Wave after wave becomes more mammoth. Smashing cars, cracking the foundations set on decade old houses, and crumbling new establishments. Memories from peoples lives being washed away by the once docile sea, down streets that pave the way for everyone’s journeys.

The wind dies down and the sea regresses to its original pace- white horses slowly running once again as the waves rise and fall onto the coast line. Everything is gentle again, but if you look around everything that was made, every wall that was put up has been cracked—broken. It can try and be put back together again but there will always be signs that it was broken.

Once something is broken it can’t be fixed- it can be left, go on to better things or can be destroyed even more by the slight cracks that have made their way into its strong foundations. But there will always be pain, always be hurt where happiness once stood tall and strong- there will always be aftermath at the end of a storm.